moooooooooooved! =)

i have moved my blog. not gonna state the new add here. ask me if u wanna know! hurhur~

Quote of the Day

Favourite quote of the day:


"Boys stink. Throw stones at them and shove carrots up their asses."


HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Colorgenics

Couldn't sleep. So I decided to take a test. And the result was shocking. It's almost spot on. And I mean really ALMOST SPOT ON.

Here's my result:

"Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You are working extremely hard - perhaps even above and beyond the call of duty. You are preparing for the future and therefore trying to build a firm trouble-free foundation upon which you may base all of your dreams and aspirations.

You are very demanding - and insisting on total involvement but you do not reciprocate with the same depth of feeling. However, it could well be that maybe an unprecedented surprise is awaiting you in the near future. For just as one whilst paddling in the sea, could flounder into a whirlpool, so you may be drawn into a loving situation that has high emotional demands - and you could well respond with a depth of emotion that you never even dreamed that you possessed.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be."


You can take the test here.

Coming Undone

I planned to sleep early tonight. Like by 8.30pm so that I'll have about 10 hours of rest before starting off a really long day tomorrow. But nooooooo. My mom just had to get all cranky and refuses to cook dinner. And she's like suddenly going crazy again. Get so worked up all of a sudden just coz my dad went to play golf yesterday and was out drinking til late. It's the same thing again today. I'm not sure what time he'll be back though and I won't be up to find out. I will be in deep sleep most probably. So she asked my youngest bro to call my dad to get him back and cook dinner or bring them out to eat. My dad called back and asked me INSTEAD to prepare dinner and also to collect his phone from servicing. What the fuck?!?!?! Am I like the maid now??? I seriously hate it when my mom gets moody or cranky or WHATEVER!!! Then she can be fine all of a sudden. And I thought they were fine few days ago. Things SEEMED FINE. Well, I guess I was wrong.

Why the fuck does she still get so worked up when I thought she said she didn't wanna care anymore and just wanna get a divorce? Well, hellooooo??????? I don't see any bloody action. I would rather they get a divorce and go seperate ways. Living under the same roof with people who goes crazy without warning can seriously drive me mad and fucking high up the wall.

I really don't wanna care anymore. But I can't. I still got my two younger brothers. I'm not worried about my sister as she is old enough already. What am I to do? WHAT THE FUCK AM I TO DO????????

How great. The night before my first dragonboat race just has to end this way. HANDS DOWN MAN. It just can't get any sweeter than this, can it.

Fuck. I don't think I'll be able to sleep in this kinda mood. ARGHHHHH!!!!!!

whatever i have planned beforehand, i dun change. unless it's either a matter of life and death, or, i really have no choice (eg. work requirements, trainings, family stuff). so, i don't do LAST MINUTE changes. even if it's like 2 days beforehand. unless, i have nothing planned on that day or night then i'll be able to make it.


what i really hate:

1. people expecting me to do something in the last minute when i already have plans made like at least 2 weeks ago (even if it's work, i'll get damn pissed and u'll never see a face blacker than mine);

2. people who are selfish and expect others to always make them happy;

3. people who expect something when it was said by the person that there'll be no such thing happening on the day itself but did otherwise and still got pissed coz the friend was so-called disappointing where the friend should actually be the one who's disappointed coz something was expected out of the friend but the friend was only informed the last minute and already had plans made beforehand;

4. people who don't know how to plan properly (seriously, don't give me last minute shit even if it's family dinners, gathering with relatives, friends' gatherings.. coz i also have my own personal life and commitments and i'm already working. i'm not doing a 5-day work week job and there's no such thing as "public holiday" for me);

5. people who FREELOAD always. and i mean ALWAYS, but are not even embarrassed or don't even feel the slightest bit of guilt (hello, u're not even close to us and you drink our drinks like we've known u for years. even friends whom we've only known for a few months don't do that. and some still say they got money, can pay can pay, but in the end, not even a single cent was shared with the rest of the group. just fuck off la, seriously);

6. people who like to use others or are friends with them just because they can benefit from the friendship (be all nice and find you when they need something. when they don't, you don't even hear from them or worse, they can say all sorts of things about you);

7. people who can't say what they don't like about me or how they feel about me straight to my face but instead did it in another way that would hurt even more;

8. people who misunderstand me;

9. people who think they can do anything they want and act however they wanna just coz they have the money (rich, so what? disgusting behaviour, bad manners and etiquettes..such a disgrace);

10. people who expect others to listen to them when they themselves can't even listen to others;

11. people who expect others to follow the rules when they themselves don't even follow;

12. people who tell me one thing but mean or do another;

13. people who are bloody insensitive;

14. people who think i'm making-up excuses just to save my own ass, when actually, i'm not;

15. people who hate others to lie to them when they themselves also lie (want to lie also lie properly right. dun wanna pick up my call then say la. dun have to use work as an excuse. then some will like to lie about the schools attended. for what?!?! and if you don't have a degree, just say so!!! like having a degree is that impressive. i don't give two fucks about degrees. sheesh..);

16. people who always fart and don't shit (figuratively speaking);

17. people who always think they're right, but in fact, are wrong most of the time;

18. the rain (hate it so much when it starts to rain when i'm out. and it causes congestion coz some people will drive bloody slow, as if they're on their way to a burial or cremation. humjee then don't drive la!!! take a public transport. the bus and cab drivers are way better drivers than you. trust me.);

19. falling sick at the wrong time;

20. always having to overcome all sorts of obstacles whenever a race or big day is nearing;

21. always having to work hard to please people or to excel but the efforts are not even appreciated;

22. being blamed for no reason at all...


22 years of my life. 22 reasons. but i can, like, go on forever with this list. oh well. like what's the use. people won't change. the weather won't change. the world won't change. humans. life.

c'est la vie~

life's a bitch. period.

Work is a bitch. It's draining me and depriving me of gym. And causing me to either miss meals, or have meals at unearthly times. And now, my gastric is back. Damn it.

On the other hand, trainings have been good. My strokes are improving. And I'm more able to execute my power properly. My pull-ups have improved as well. Able to do 4 proper ones now. My aim is to do AT LEAST 10 by the September race in Thailand.

Woke up with gastric pains this morning. Was contemplating whether or not to go for training. Felt a lil better after taking medication. So I decided to head down. Missed the 5km morning run. Did 2 sets, 30reps, of clean-and-jerk before going down to row. And I was perspiring like a mad woman.

I'm glad I decided to go for training. Coz we rowed from Kallang to the Singapore River today. Had a trial race for next week's Dragon-Tug-of-War. We, along with the men's team, were actually being used as guinea pigs by the organizers. They wanted to test the the tug of the different springs and whether or not to use the springs. After 4 trials, most of us concluded that it would be more challenging if we didn't use springs. Pulling the rope alone would create more tension and the tug would be greater. And, one can really go all soft after the match. Really have to give 100% power all the way due to the strong resistance of the rope as it's being pulled by the 2 teams, whereas in normal races, it's usually about 90% power for the first 3 quarter then 100% for the last quarter. And shouting your lungs out do help in executing more power and boosting the morale of the team. "LAI AH!! GO! GO! GO! GO! ..." Power, speed, a lot of shouting and a whole lot of endurance. But it's daaaaaaaaamn FUN.

I've gotta be more disciplined now. Gotta watch my diet, eat proper meals so that my gastric won't stir up, and try to get as much rest as I can. But with next week's schedule, I doubt I'll be able to rest much. More like I'll be burned out even before the race. Damn it. I feel like quitting now and just nua at home and sleep the whole day, with alternate gym sessions.

As I'm typing this entry, I feel like I'm still on the boat. I can still feel the waves and the rocking motion. Haha. And I think I'm a lil burnt. I love my skin colour!!!

I'm gonna go take a nap now. It'll be grilling and BBQ later on tonight. Woots!


"...when you go
would you have the guts to say
i don't love you
like i did
yesterday..."

"Big jie jie! The dry ice very long haven't finish lehhh!"

That's the first thing I heard when I got home after dragonboat training. My youngest bro was telling me about the chemical reaction dry ice has when it comes into contact with water. Where he got the dry ice? From the 2kg ice-cream cake from Swensen's that we got him for his 8th birthday.

HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY DEAREST LEHMANN!!!!

I shall bring him to the zoo some time in May. That's if he behaves. Hah!

So I had myself a slice of ice-cream cake and a cup of soyabean drink after emptying the contents of my bag. No lunch was taken even though I didn't eat breakfast before heading for training. That's how one is when fatigue sets in. Went to take a nap afterwards as I was feeling really worn out. 3 sets of 20mins of non-stop rowing, weights training after, followed by endurance push-ups - who wouldn't be tired? In addition, I haven't had much sleep the past few days. Or should I say weeks? The most sleep I've had was 5 hrs a day.

I was supposed to go collect tickets for the Uniform Fetish 2 party at around 5, but I didn't. Overslept. Haha. BUT, that's not the main reason. Woke up with a painful throb in my head, so, I decided to continue sleeping and asked Yan to help me collect the tickets instead. But frankly speaking, I really can't be bothered anymore. Anyways, I finally managed to get off my bed at 6pm. Headed over to my great-grandfather's wake after freshening up.

Tomorrow's gonna be the last day of his wake. I should be there from noon til about 5pm. Heading for training til about 7.30pm then will be going back to his wake after. He'll be cremated on Tuesday afternoon. And that'll be the last time I'm gonna be able to see him in his physical form.

The first day of his wake, I rushed down after my work. When I got there, the first thing to do was to pay my respects. As I walked towards the altar, I saw him there, lying so peacefully beneath a glass cover in the coffin. But he looked scaringly thin.

During the last week or so, he wasn't able to take in food anymore. Not even liquid food. We knew immediately what to expect. It was only a matter of time. I wasn't able to visit him during his last week due to work. Was working overtime most of the time and was always feeling drained out. I had planned to visit him during my off days but because my supervisor was on 5 days MC, I had to cover for her during the off days I had for the entire week. Hence, I couldn't visit him one more time. I'm abhorring her more than ever.

And now, I'm regretting covering for her and rather overwhelmed with remorse. Cause it was definitely wrong to have covered for her when I can actually choose not to and, instead, go and visit my great-grandfather while he was still alive, one day before he passed away.


I'm really very sorry, dearest great-grandpa, for not being able to visit you more often when you were alive. I haven't exactly been filial, have I? Hope your suffering wasn't too much to bare and that you didn't have to suffer much. But alas, you're in peace now. Praying for a safe and peaceful journey for you in the after-life. You'll be greatly missed by everyone. Til we meet again...

Life Aint Beautiful

Problems, problems, and more problems. Things are getting worse. They're becoming all too much to take. Everything bad is happening and I can't foresee them ending anytime soon.

First and foremost, my family. To cut a long story short, my parents might file for a divorce. The paperwork has not been settled. So nothing is final. Yet. Shall go into details when I have the time to sit down in front of the computer and concentrate on blogging. A little preview: something happened at home while I was at work. And when my mom told me, it really got me fuming mad.

Secondly, work. It's supposed to be my off day tmr but my supervisor just had to go on MC. AGAIN. And I have to cover for her. AGAIN. She's been taking MC for the dunno how many millionth time already. And she can tell the other full time staff that the family went to see something like a psychic or fortune teller and she was told that she will fall sick very often for the next 3 months or so. WHAT BULLCRAP IS THAT?!?!?! Wanna take MC then take la!!! Don't have to come up with such lame excuses. Sheesh! Shall elaborate more in my next post.

Thirdly, WG. Everything's getting crappy. Too much politics. And I mean wayyyyyyyyy too much. Immature minds, too many amateurs, power-hungry people, liars, spies and backstabbers, and a lot of bad english.

Fourthly, training. Was doing fine yesterday. But I don't know what on earth happened to me this morning. I couldn't focus. My strokes were going haywire. Of course, I got damn frustrated as I had no idea why the hell that happened. And so I teared.

Things aren't going in the right direction.

"Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio, et excrucior."


- I hate and I love. Perhaps you're asking why I do this?
I don't know, but I feel it happening, and it's torture.

what do i want?

i dunno what i want anymore. i've been criticized, gone against my will, forced, discouraged, demoralized, until i dunno what i want anymore. why not just continue telling me what to do? hasn't it always been this way?

well sorry i can't be what you want me to be. coz i really don't want to. i have not been happy all these years. at all. i do what i do so that i can keep my mind off things i don't want to remember. things i don't want to think off. things i don't like. at least my friends keep me company and make me happy for a while. all else are facades. countless masks i've put on.

you pushed me to this state. you made me like this. you created me.



i'll let you in on a little secret: i've had enough.